


Determined

by StreetSolo



Category: Allegiant - Fandom, Divergent Series - Veronica Roth
Genre: Allegiant AU, Allegiant Alternate Ending, Allegiant Spoilers, Beatrice Prior - Freeform, F/M, Four/Six, Tobias Eaton - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-07
Updated: 2014-02-09
Packaged: 2018-01-11 12:19:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1172989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StreetSolo/pseuds/StreetSolo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’m sorry, Tobias,” Cara sniffs as she looks up at me, and for a moment I feel my heart stop beating in my chest.</p><p>“Where’s Tris?” I say.</p><p>Cara shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot. “Tobias, she was shot.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've tried to incorporate as much of the original storyline of the ending of the Allegiant book to keep it close to canon with the one slight alternation that I don't need to say aloud. I of course am in no way affiliated with Allegiant, the Divergent series, or Veronica Ruth and the characters and universe belong to her. I wrote this story for personal closure, but was requested to share it. I can only hope that I have done the story justice and give it the closure you are seeking as well.

**Tobias**

            When we pull up to the compound, there is no one in sight. That can only mean that they have been reset, that Caleb succeeded. I think of Tris, her eyes misty with tears as she hovers around Caleb’s body, and the thought surfaces like a bubble inside me and drives me forward towards the glass doors. With no armed guards, I walk through, feeling an odd sense of quiet drift over me. We walk through the abandoned security checkpoint, my fingernails digging into my palms as I walk through the scanner. This time it doesn’t beep, it doesn’t light up, and I pretend not to notice it. It’s over. The time for fear is over. I can’t be afraid of that anymore. I won’t.

            On the other side of the checkpoint, I see Cara sitting with her face in her hands, clearly waiting for us. For a moment I feel a pang of disappointment. Why wouldn’t Tris be here waiting for me? I shake my head to dispel the thought. Tris is probably with her brother, trying to soak up the last moments she will have with her Abnegation family. Cara stands up, and for the first time I notice the side of her face, which is badly bruised. There is a bandage around her head, the middle a filmy dark color where the blood had obviously seeped through. Suddenly dread trickles through my body, adrenaline shooting through my fingertips. Then I realize why. She’s not looking at them. She’s not smiling as though we’ve won, as we clearly have. She’s looking at me. Just me.

            “Tobias.” Her words cut through the air like a noose around my neck, and I cough as if to keep myself breathing, to keep myself in the here and now. No, this isn’t right. It’s over. It’s finally over. We can rest now. We can be together now. _Tris._

“What happened?” My heart is shuddering, as if it might explode at any second.

            “I’m sorry, Tobias,” Cara sniffs as she looks up at me, and for a moment I feel my heart stop beating in my chest.

            “Where’s Tris?” I say.

            Cara shifts uncomfortably from foot to foot. “Tobias, she was shot.”

            I stand still, completely still. Shot? How? Guards? Where was Caleb? Did she go in his place? “Shot?” Christina demands. “Shot how? Is she-?” Christina’s shoulders sag forward, as if she can’t even bring herself to ask the question.   

            “She’s like, like…” Cara’s words trail off as she glances in the direction of the infirmary. _Like Uriah._ But brain dead or just unconscious?

            Before it felt like my heart had stopped beating. Now it was beating, louder than ever, fast and strong and full of panic. I try to ball my hands into fists but I have suddenly become numb all over.

            “What happened?” A voice behind me demands. The voice sounds familiar, but I don’t register who it belonged to. Suddenly everything around me feels distorted, fuzzy.

            “Tris went into the Weapons Lab instead of Caleb,” Cara says. “She survived the death serum and set off the memory serum but she was shot. Caleb rushed her to the infirmary but she lost a lot of blood and they don’t think she’s going to make it. I’m so sorry.”

            I can’t imagine Tris dead. I picture her smile when she sees me again, her cheeks bright with tears from Caleb’s death, sure, but still wide and alert and happy to see me. Happy to finally start a life with me. She wouldn’t go into the Weapons Lab instead of Caleb. She realized at the Erudite Headquarters that she didn’t want to die. She had forgiven me after everything I had done. She had no reason to-

            And then suddenly I understand. I remember her talking about the desire to please her parents, to make them proud, as if that was her dying wish. Was she selfless, risking her life instead of Caleb’s, or selfish, leaving me here alone just to fulfill her desire to make her parents proud.

            I close my eyes and suddenly I’m transported to the first day of Dauntless initiation, immediately after the Choosing Ceremony. I remember when her body first hit the net, just a gray blur. She jumped first. The Stiff. Even I didn’t jump first. Didn’t that make her the first, the only, Abnegation transfer to jump first? It shouldn’t have made her special. It impressed me, but it’s not what made her special. I remember the look in her eyes before she jumped. They were so stern and insistent, ready to face whatever challenge came before her.

            That was when I realized how beautiful she was.

            The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. “Take me to her.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Tris**

            I walk into my mother’s embrace, the image of Tobias’ smile flashing through my mind for the last time.

            _“I love you, you know.”_

_His smirk. “I know.”_

Suddenly I feel like tears are about to well up in my eyes and I can’t do it. Everything around me is dark, as if I’m seeing through the back of my eyelids. No, this isn’t right. This can’t be. This _can’t_ be it. When I was back at the Erudite Headquarters, I would have welcomed this. A quick, merciful death, but that was before I decided I really wanted to live. As much as I want to see my mother, can I really just leave them all behind? Caleb? Christina? Uriah? _Tobias?_

            It’s black all around me, like I’m floating through space. My body feels light as I swim through the sea of nothing. I don’t know where my mother went. I don’t know where I am. But this, this doesn’t feel so bad. The pain that last registered as a dull ache had dissipated now. I’m not scared. I’m not frightened. I’m just…here. Wherever here is.

            Suddenly I hear footsteps, like someone is walking down a long tunnel, and I crane my neck behind me to see. I see a shape out of the shadows walking towards me, getting closer. Getting closer…

            I recognize Will’s smile before I recognize him. “Well look who it is,” he says with a wide grin.

            Tears pool in my eyes at once, obstructing my view of him, making his figure blurry around the sides. “You-“ I manage to get out. I cover my face with my hands, submerging myself to the grief. “I-I’m so sorry,” I wail. It sounds too loud and unpleasant, even for my own ears.

            “Hey, hey, get up Stiff,” Will says. He reaches down and grabs my forearm, pulling me to my feet.

            I take in a deep lungful of air, trying to process the situation around me. If Will is dead then so am I. But right now, I don’t care about that. Even seeing Tobias again doesn’t seem as immediate as this. All the guilt that has been festering inside me feels like it’s trying to escape me all at once, aching in every pore. “I’m so sorry I shot you,” I manage, although my voice is weak and unsteady.

            Will shrugs, as if it doesn’t matter. “Doesn’t matter.”

            My jaw drops. “Doesn’t matter?” I scream at him. “I ruined Christina’s life. It ruined my life. It ruined my relationship with Tobias, it-“ I shake my head. “No. No. I can’t be forgiven to this.” I take a step towards him, my eyes fierce and accusatory. “ _You_ can’t forgive me for this. I’m a bad person. I could have shot you in the knee or something. You could still be alive today. You can’t forgive me for this. You can’t.”

            “But I can,” Will says, his face suddenly turning serious. “And I can. Honestly, Tris, don’t you think you’ve beaten yourself up enough over this?”

            I paw at my tear-streaked face, listening.

            “Listen, you have nothing to be forgiven for,” he continues. “I wasn’t myself. Even if you had shot me in the leg, I would have fired back anyway. I was being controlled, wasn’t I?” He doesn’t wait for me to answer. “You had to stop me.”

            “But I-“ I continue, but he raises a hand to stop me.

            “If it wasn’t you, it could have been someone else,” Will says. “It just happens, all right? You can’t prepare to die, Tris. Death happens when we’re not paying attention, just like life.”

            “I wanted to die,” I croak, as if confessing some deeply guarded secret. “I wanted to die so badly. Even Tobias-“ I rub my nose with the back of my wrist, sniffing loudly. “I watched my mother give her life for me. And then I shot you. How can I deal with that? How am I supposed to deal with that?”

            Will gives me a small smile, trying to assure me, trying to keep me brave. “You know, I never dreamed Christina would like me back.” Suddenly I look at him. He’s never talked to me about Christina before. He shrugs. “Maybe we weren’t together for very long, but the time that we did spend together, well, I wouldn’t give that up for anything in the world.”

            “But you were supposed to have more time together,” I shout at him, new tears welling up. “I wasn’t supposed to shoot you. You weren’t supposed to die.”

            “We’re all supposed to die,” Will says. “In our time, in our turn.” It sounds like such an un-Will like thing to say that I just gape at him. “I forgive you, Tris Prior. I think it’s time for you to forgive yourself.”

            “Does that matter now?” I gasp, getting control over myself once again. “I’m dead, aren’t I?”

            “Well,” Will hesitates, as if there isn’t an answer to my straightforward question. “Do you want to be?”

            “I don’t know,” I shake my head. “I want to see my mother again. I want to see my father again. I am just done with all the war and the fighting and the death. I don’t want to do it anymore.”

            “But?” Will asks with the raise of an eyebrow.

            “But I want to see Tobias again,” I say, the words bursting out of me. “I want to see Christina again. And Cara and Uriah and Zeke and Matthew and everyone else. I want to make a world where we can just live without trying to survive.”

            Will smiles and reaches out to touch my shoulder. “Take care of my girl for me.” I see his grin as he takes a few steps back into the darkness. I reach for him, but he is gone.

            I am alone.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I miss it all, from the love to the lightning, and the lack of it snaps me in two."  
> -New York, Snow Patrol

**Tobias**

            I had it all planned out in my head. I guess that was my first mistake. I would come back, and Tris would be waiting for me. She would throw her arms around my neck, his hands fisting in my hair as she looks at me with those bright eyes and says, “We did it. We finally did it.”

            But of course that’s not what happened.

            Tris lies on a starchy white bed, her skin pale, her golden blonde hair dull. Her eyes are closed, as if she’s sleeping, but she doesn’t look like she’s sleeping. Whenever she slept beside him, he would wake to find her curled into his chest, a faint smile on her lips. Completely removed from the weight of the world she carried every day, she was free. And hadn’t that been the whole reason she chose Dauntless? She wanted to be free.

            And now she was. She was free, not gone. Sleeping, not peacefully, but sleeping. She would be back soon. She needs rest, of course she needs rest. She had been through so much, she had been shot, she needed rest. And I wanted to give it to her. But not like this. She was supposed to be curled up bed beside me, her hair tickling my face as I held her close while we slept. She wasn’t supposed to be like this.

            I remember walking in and slumping into the chair beside her, taking her small hand between both of mine. She was so pale, so cold, so unlike the Tris I knew, who was always so full of fire it threatened to consume her at any moment.

            Time evaporates around us, like we are trapped in glass. I don’t leave her side, except for occasional trips to the bathroom. Sometimes someone leaves a tray of food and water on her table for me, sometimes I realize I’m hungry and look up to see that nothing’s there. I don’t bother getting up. Tris might wake up at any time, and I can’t leave her side. I want her to be the first thing she sees when she wakes up, to know that I didn’t leave her side, even for a minute. Why did I just leave her alone here? I knew it was dangerous. I knew what risks she was capable of taking. Why didn’t I stay behind and protect her like I was supposed to?

            I’m not aware that there is someone sitting across from me, on the other side of the bed, until I hear the snapping of fingers. “Four? Four? Earth to Four?”

            Amar sits across from me, a bit of concern pulling around the edges of his face. “Yeah?”

            “You okay?” he asks, leaning forward a bit. I don’t answer. Instead, I let my eyes drift to Tris’ face, staring at the passivity it contained. “You know, I’m the one who got the two of you back together, right?”

            My eyes snap to him instantly, and he allows himself to smile. “There, knew that would get your attention.”

            “She talked to you about me?” I ask, my cheeks flushing hot.

            “Yeah, when we took her to the fringe,” Amar says. “On the way back, I told her that she was good for you. Not to give up on you. Looks like she took my advice.”

            I glance down at Tris, my heart thumping in my chest. If Amar hadn’t said anything, would she have forgiven me? Would she have taken me back? I search her face for answers. A voice inside of me tells me that yes, she would, but I’m just not sure. I can’t be sure of anything right now.

            Amar notices the look on my face and says, “She’s a tough girl. She’ll pull through.”

            “I just-“ I can feel the armor breaking down. Amar has been through my fear simulation. He’s the one who gave me the nickname “Four.” He knows what my fears are. Surely he can keep this one secret. “I don’t want her to leave me.”

            Amar looks taken aback for a moment. “Four, she’s not-“

            “I just, I don’t want her to leave me.” Fresh tears pool in my eyes. It’s embarrassing to cry in front of Amar, but I need to get this out, to anyone that will listen. “I don’t want her to abandon me the way my mother abandoned me. I don’t want her to just leave me here all alone to try to figure everything out myself. I don’t want her to just go.”

            The tears drip out of me stronger now, brimming with the truth. Amar sits back in the chair and considers the floor for a long while. “She’s strong,” he says at length. “She’ll pull through.”

            “Yeah,” I glance back at Tris’ face. “She will.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Tobias**

            “You’re not going to like this.” I blink my eyes open several times, trying to figure out who the voice belongs to. I fell asleep on Tris’ hand again, her cool pale skin against my cheek. I’m starting to get neck cramps from sleeping so awkwardly ever night, but I am not leaving her side.

            I blink up at Christina, who is standing on the other side of Tris’ bed. Her eyes are red, as if she has been crying, but she tries not to show it, standing with her hands on her hips. “Not going to like what?” I murmur groggily, pulling myself into a seated position. I look at Tris. Her face remains passive, the machines beside her beeping rhythmically.

            “It’s been about two weeks,” Christina says. “You need a shower.”

            “I’m not leaving her side.”

            “Well you can’t take a shower with her,” Christina says. She sees the look on my face and adds hastily. “Until she gets better.”

            “I’m not leaving her,” I repeat.

            “Amar warned me that you can get obsessive,” Christina says bitterly. She puts a pair of clean clothes on the end of the bed. “Shower. Get dressed. It takes ten minutes.” I’m about to argue when she holds up her hand to stop me. “Seriously, Four, you reek. Do you think Tris wants to wake up next to you smelling like garbage and seeing how poorly you’ve taken care of yourself the past few weeks?”

            She’s right. Of course she’s right. If the situation was reversed, Tris wouldn’t be chaining herself to my bedside like I had been. She wouldn’t just leave me until I woke up, no, but she would take the time to eat. To sleep in a bed. To shower. To go on a walk to clear her head, as she so often did. I shake my head, disappointed by my own obsessive behavior.

            “Will you watch her?” I say, getting to my feet. My legs shake underneath me, as if getting to my feet was something I was suddenly unfamiliar with.

            “Of course,” Christina says. I take the clothes and head down the showers. I pass several people as I go, guards milling about, people running from here to there. They take no notice of me. I don’t honestly know what happened in the past two weeks and I don’t care. For a moment, I’m disappointed in myself. Tris would ask what’s been going on, always bright, eager, alert and ready to help out. Again, the differences between us stick out like they are painted in stone.

            The hot water feels good against my body, but all I can think of as I scrub myself down is how Tris would touch me, her gentle fingertips gracing the back of my neck as she pulled me in for a kiss, her fingers tracing the curves of my tattoos. I try to imagine never seeing her again. Never feeling her lips against mine, never pulling her in for another embrace, never seeing her beautiful eyes, alert and determined when she said she loved me.

            _Loves me. She’s not dead yet. She still loves me._

I hesitate. _She’s not dead yet? No. She’s not dead. Period._

I shake my head to clear it. Does Tris always have these nagging, doubtful thoughts? Did my father? Did my mother? When she left me behind with my father as a child, did she ever think about me? Did she ever regret her decision and wish that she had taken me with her instead of leading me to believe that she had died? I think of her again, hugging me in the Erudite Headquarters, choosing her son over control of the factionless.

            “Yes, she did,” I say to the shower wall, but the shower wall says nothing back. I don’t really expect it to.

            I am feeling definitely more clear headed and slightly hungry when I head back to Tris’ room. I almost hesitate to go, thinking of instead heading for the dormitory where there might be some food laid out. I pause in the middle of the hallway, unmoved by the flow of people around me. Should I get food? Or go to Tris? I’m always running after Tris, always putting her needs before mine, just like when she went to the Erudite Headquarters to die. I woke up, cold and alone, and before I could even register that she was gone I knew: I was going after her. I went after her without regard to my own safety, my own well-being, without even considering that I might have been of more use staying back and planning an attack to get her back with the other Dauntless. But no, instead I rushed off after her, trying to be her white knight. Was I that desperate not to lose her? Was I so desperate not to be abandoned again that I would rather walk to my own death than live without her?

            I turn on my heel and head to the dormitory to get a muffin.

           

\--- 

 

            The dormitory is surprisingly empty, but there is a tray of food. I steal a muffin and consider bringing one for Tris but decide better of it: she liked to pick off of mine anyway. I eat it through the hall, letting the crumbs run off my mouth as I eat it hungrily. I had no idea how hungry I was. I remember some form of stew that tasted of chicken with some bread, but that was what? Two days ago? How little had I eaten?

            As soon as I get back to Tris’ room, my heart stops. Christina, Zeke, Amar, Cara are there. With Caleb. I had not seen Caleb since I had gotten back to the Bureau, nor did I want to. I remember Amar, or maybe it was Cara?, telling me that he was staying clear of me until his sister got better. I remember vaguely bobbing my head along to the sea of words, but it suddenly stands out to be now.

            “You.” I rush at him, which is why I’m guessing the others are all there too. Zeke and Amar are at my sides, holding me back. Caleb takes a few nervous steps back towards the window, while Cara stands in front of me. Christina sighs and lets go of Tris’ hand, getting up from the spot where she was spitting.

            “Tobias-“

            “You-“ I glare at her. “You lured me out of here so that he can see her, didn’t you?”

            “He’s her brother,” Christina says. “It’s just something you are going to need to get over. He saved her life.”

            “Saved her life?” I scoff. “Look at her. Does that really look like saving her life? He was supposed to die instead. He was supposed to go into the death serum and die instead.”

            “Didn’t anyone tell you?” Cara asks. “The death serum didn’t affect her.”

            “What?” I blink at her.

            “The death serum didn’t affect her,” Cara says. “The doctors found no trace of poison in her system. She was able to fight it off. She is suffering from the bullet wounds, one in her stomach and one in her chest. She lost a lot of blood. Caleb got to her as fast as he could, once the serum dissipated, and brought her here. It saved her life.” Cara looks unsure of her last words, sneaking a look down at Tris. What does it matter if Tris if alive if she’s going to be like this her whole life?

            “I’m sorry,” Caleb says. “She told me, right before she took the backpack containing the explosives, she told me that she didn’t mean for this. She said she didn’t mean to leave you. She wanted me to, to tell you.” His eyes are so big and remorseful that I wonder how he can live with that much guilt inside of him. “She really loved you.”

            “Loves,” I cry out. “She loves me because she’s not dead. She’s fine. She’s going to be fine.” Caleb just looks away and sighs, his breath one giant exhale. This just infuriates me more. I lurch forward suddenly, pushing Cara to the side. I feel Zeke and Amar’s hands on my shoulders fall away and then suddenly I’m on top of him, punching him. Suddenly I’m back in the training room at Dauntless headquarters, in my first fight, listening to Amar’s words in my head, telling me to adapt. Adapt to each fight. Adapt to each opponent. Adapt to each challenge.

            Amar rolls me off of him, and for a moment I’m still stuck in the past, Amar pushing me off of another initiate. And then I realize where I am and what had happened and I try to lurch at him again. It’s a battle of yelling and clawing under their grip when suddenly three more men come out of nowhere and stick a needle in my neck. I get up and try to run, and they don’t try to stop me. I rush towards the doorway, where I can see the blue of Cara’s shirt, bright against her dark hair. The color start to swim together and the last thing I see is the terrified look on Cara’s face just before I hit the floor. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "There's distance and there's silence. Your words have never left me. They're the prayer that I say everyday."  
> -New York, Snow Patrol

**Tris**

            When I look up again, my mother is standing in front of me. She is still dressed in her Abnegation grey, although her shirt is pressed and clean, not shredded from bullet holes.

            I yell her name, rushing into her arms. She holds me tightly, holding me against her. I feel like crying again, but my eyes are still too tired from my conversation with Will to produce any tears.

            We stay like this for a long time, soaking up the affection she was never allowed to show us an Abnegation. But she never was an Abnegation, not truly. Nor was she Dauntless. She was from the outside world. She grew up in a place where I would later…

            “Am I dead?” I say at length. She hums but does not answer my question directly. “I’m sorry,” I say at length.

            She pulls back to look at my face. “Sorry? For what?”

            “Sorry for-“ I pause, a list running through my mind. I feel as if the truth serum is coursing through my blood again. What am I sorry for? I say the first thing that comes to mind.

            “I’m sorry for being so selfish,” I say, squeezing out my confession in a small voice. “I’m sorry for wanting to die. I’m sorry for trying to throw my life away when you both died to save it. I’m sorry I couldn’t make you proud of me.” With that, the tears start to fall again, but they feel oddly cathartic, unlike the tears I shed for Will, which were pure grief.

            “Oh Beatrice.” My mother smiles. “We _are_ proud of you. _I_ am proud of you. Look at all you’ve done to save everyone. You put your life on the line for the good of everyone. You exposed the truth. How can I not be proud of you?”

            I sniff. “Is it selfish if I only did those things so you would be proud of me?”

            My mother smiles that soft smile again as she brushes a tear off my cheek with her thumb. “Beatrice, we all know no one does things for just one reason. Think about all the people you were trying to help. Think of all the people you were trying to protect.”

            Faces flash before my vision. Marlene, Uriah, Cara, Zeke, Christina. _Tobias_. I feel my hands shaking and press my hands against my sides to steady them.

            “I love him,” I say.

            “I know you do,” she says. “And he loves you too. I knew it from when I saw you two together on Visiting Day.”

            Visiting Day. That seems years, decades ago. It seems like it happened in another lifetime. Maybe it was. Visiting Day, the day she got me to admit that he was handsome, words I had thought but never before uttered aloud. We spent no more than two minutes together, just exchanging formal introductions, but I guess some things a mother just knows.

            Suddenly, I feel a deep ache in my chest, quiet but strong. I don’t want to leave Tobias, but I don’t want to leave my mother either. The ache spreads, dull and rhythmic. A heartbeat. _My_ heartbeat. My mother puts her hands on my shoulders.

            “We don’t have much time, so let me talk,” she says. “I love you, Beatrice. I died to give you your life so that you could use it. So you could expose the truth. So you could help people and protect them. The hard part is over now. You did it. It’s done. But you don’t need to keep blaming yourself for what’s happened in the past. You need to move forward, Tris. Your friends, your family, they are all still there. Even with the fighting over, they still need to be protected and cared for. It’s easy to give up once the fighting is done, but the true test of bravery is to learn how to keep going, even after all of the pain and the guilt and the destruction. That is the true test of bravery. I love you, Tris. Be brave.”

            “I love you too,” I say, but even as I speak I feel her slipping away from me. I close my eyes. I know what I need to do. I can’t be a coward, constantly feeling sorry for myself for the things I’ve done. I need to move forward. Christina has forgiven me. Will has forgiven me. Now I need to forgive myself.

            I close my eyes and repeat the words over and over again, reciting my mantra, one for each fear. “Be brave. Be brave. Be brave. Be brave. Be brave. Be brave.” 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Just give me a sign. There's an end and a beginning. To the quiet chaos driving me mad."  
> -New York, Snow Patrol

**Tobias**

            I wake up and immediately recognize it as the cot in the dormitory. I glance up at the cot Tris slept in beside me to see if she’s there and immediately regret it. Of course she’s not there. She off in a hospital bed because I wasn’t there to protect her. I should have known Caleb would betray her again. He was ready to let her die once, of course he wouldn’t mind doing it again.

            I hop off the cot to see Zeke and Amar looking at me. I suddenly notice that Zeke looks a lot more tired than usual and the guilt from what I’ve done floods back to haunt me. I helped lower the security systems which allowed Nita and the others to set off bombs in the Bureau, one of which Uriah was standing too close to. I managed to bring his mother and his older brother, Zeke, to the hospital to see him, but he’s brain dead. There’s no chance he’s going to wake up and smile again. It’s just a matter of when they’re going to say good bye.

            “Zeke,” I say, as if just recognizing him for the first time. “Have you-?”

            “No,” Zeke shakes his head. I’m about to start my apology when Zeke holds up his hand. “Don’t start apologizing to me. Not right now.” I start to speak, but Zeke jumps up from the table, standing so close to me that I could see the specks of gold in his eyes. “Don’t,” he says, his voice soft and deadly. I stare at him, sucking in my breath. “You have enough to worry about with Tris. We’ve all lost someone. Don’t.”

            He holds my gaze for a few moments before he sits back down, throwing himself into his chair. I want to remind him that I haven’t lost Tris, but I don’t dare. I don’t want to be the one to jinx it. I sit down at the table beside them and notice a stack of cards.

            “Know how to play anything?” Amar asks me. I hesitate. Back in Dauntless we got drunk one night and played something, although the name escapes me.

            “War,” I remember suddenly. It sounds ugly on my tongue, and I shake my head to dispel the taste.

            “You want to play?” Amar asks me, raising his eyebrows.

            “No, I think I’m good,” I say curtly.

            “Good,” Amar says. “Ever heard of a game called Blackjack?”

            So the three of us play cards for a while and it’s good, just talking to Zeke and Amar, remembering the Dauntless days, back during the time of my initiation. I almost wish Tris had been a few years older, so that she could have come with me to Dauntless. It just felt like we never had really any time to date, her being an initiate and me being her trainer. And then, of course, the day after her formal initiation, all the Dauntless ended up under mind control. Sometimes life just isn’t fair.

            Zeke looks at me, and I realize it’s probably been my turn for a while. “Hit me,” I say, without really looking at my cards.

            “Okay,” Zeke replies, slapping me on the back of the head.

            “Oww,” I laugh playfully. I turn to him, but his eyes are suddenly serious, as if he understood what I was thinking.

            “You okay?” he says.

            “I was thinking about-“ I hesitate, then decide to go for the truth. “Thinking about how little time Tris and I actually had together to date,” I say. “I spent all that time as her trainer, which was good, getting to know her and everything, but things never got to be easy between us. There was always some threat or another that needed averting. We were always in danger. Now things are calmer, the fighting has stopped, we finally have a chance to be together and…” I close my eyes. I can’t say it.

            I feel Amar’s strong grip on my shoulder and he squeezes it. “You know Caleb might have saved her life,” he says.

            Might have.

            “Maybe, but he’s the one who put her in danger in the first place,” I hiss, suddenly feeling as though I might spit venom.

            “You know, if Tris wakes up, you might have to forgive him,” Zeke says, taking his turn.

            “ _When_ Tris wakes up,” I correct him. “I might have to.”

            We play cards for a while, slapping each other playfully when our thoughts become too dark, trying to pull each other into a mutual sense of peace that we will never truly achieve. It’s fine for now, it’s a distraction, but if Tris never wakes up, will I ever be able to be okay? Will I really have to suffer through the rest of my life without her? I think of the Abnegation serum. The memory serum. I just have to drink the vial and then I can forget all of the horrible things that I have done and I can forget her. Part of me rebels at the thought. I don’t want to forget Tris. I want to forget the pain but I don’t want to have to go through this without her.

            Suddenly the door swings open and Caleb is standing there, his eyes wide. Both Amar and Zeke turn to me to see my reaction, but I just look away. “Tris!” He gasps. “She’s awake.”

            I am on my feet and across the room in seconds. I should have been there when she woke up, not playing cards. I want to push Caleb out of the doorway, but he takes a few paces back. I notice a few bruises on his jaw, and my upper lip curls into a smile. I start walking at a rapid pace towards the infirmary until I realize I am not going fast enough. I break into a full sprint, my muscles groaning after weeks of such lethargy. But after a minute it feels good to run again, normal, like it was something I should have been doing all along. I duck between people as I run, pumping my arms, not stopping until I reach the infirmary.

            Doctors and nurses and Christina and Cara are at her bedside. As soon as I enter the room, the effect is immediate. The doctors and nurses scuttle away and all eyes in the room are on me. “Did you really do that to Caleb?” Tris demands, fire in her eyes. “He saved my life, you know!” But she can’t hold my gaze. Her lips part in a wide smile and I rush over to her, smoothing her hair back. It feels greasy to the touch, but I hardly notice. Her eyes start brimming with tears and I press my lips against hers in a long, chaste kiss.

            “I leave you alone for five minutes and look what happens,” I say gently, smiling at her.

            She giggles while blowing her nose in her sleeve. It’s far from attractive, but I can’t stop myself from admiring her. Eyes, bright and alert, as always, gaze into mine. _We did it,_ they say. _We’ve made it._ She smiles again, and I can feel my heartbeat in my ears when I see that smile. Her smile. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Tobias**

            They decide to wait two days for Tris to get better before they are going to unplug Uriah. Tris is healing remarkably quickly, and I wonder idly if it’s a symptom of her being divergent, of having healed genes. I feel like it’s something that stands between us, but Tris doesn’t. When she looks at me, I can see more love for me than I’ve ever seen before and it only pushes me harder, making me strive to be better.

            When Christina finally comes over to tell us that it’s time, her face is swollen from tears. Tris wordlessly puts one hand in mine and her other hand in Christina’s as we shuffle down the hall towards Uriah’s bed.

            Hana, Uriah’s mother, and Zeke are hovering over his body, and I see them as if seeing them for the first time. Where they’re standing now could have been me standing over Tris if things had gone any differently. I squeeze her hand harder. She looks up at me and frowns before leaning into my shoulder.

            Suddenly I notice the doctor holding a clipboard and talking to a man in a wheelchair. There has been mass confusion with everyone who has forgotten their memories, but he can’t be here. “Why is _he_ here?” I almost shout.

            “He’s still technically the leader of the Bureau until they can find a replacement,” Cara says. “He doesn’t remember anything. He doesn’t remember shooting-“

            “Shut up!” I snap at her. I start to lunge towards him but Tris’ hand stays firm in mine.

            “Don’t,” she says.

            I spin around to face her, incredulous, my nerves on fire. “Don’t?” I demand. “Don’t? Do you remember what he _did_ to you? You could’ve- you could’ve-“ I can’t get the words out.

            “We’re here for Uriah,” she says quietly, her eyes staring into mine. Her strong, steady defiant gaze. I’ve missed it.

            I squeeze her hand and turn back to Uriah, but I can’t stop the tears from flowing down my cheeks. I couldn’t protect Tris. I couldn’t protect Uriah, although I promised Zeke I would. I watch the doctor flip some switches, turning off the machines that are linked to Uriah’s breathing. As soon as his mother steps back from his body, I know it’s done.

            I want to run. I want to get as far away from here as possible, to run and run and never look back. But then I feel Tris’ hand against mine and I ground myself in reality. She is here. She is here and alive and I am never going to leave her again.


	8. Epilogue

_TWO AND A HALF YEARS LATER_

**Tris**

            Our apartment is just north of the river. Neither Tobias or I could stand going back to Abnegation or Dauntless headquarters after all that had happened, and settling anywhere near Erudite headquarters was not even under discussion. Nor was staying in the outside world, where I had almost died. Maybe I did die. I’m not sure, but it doesn’t matter to me now. Death seems like a far off thing with Tobias by my side.

            Although everyone else elected to stay behind, and Caleb and Cara moved back towards the Erudite district, Tobias and I decided to settle somewhere between the Amity and Candor region. It’s peaceful there, which is something I never thought I would experience again. Tobias was offered a job with the police force, but after my shooting, he vowed not to touch another gun again in his life. I won’t either. It was hard enough to pick one up after I shot Will. I’m done with guns for good. Instead, Tobias opted to be Johanna’s assistant, helping rebuild the new world. He still insists I have my Erudite intellect inside me and wants me as his assistant, running all things by me. It’s strange to see Tobias and I working as a team after all the conflict and lies that had surfaced between us, but it seems that patch between us has mended.

            There are no more factions anymore. In the beginning, there were still uprisings, people who were thirsty for war and a sense of chaos. Tobias and I stayed away from the fighting. We’ve had enough of it for a lifetime.

\---

            The spring air is cold, but Tobias leaves the windows open as he drives the truck, letting the wind whip through my golden hair. It has grown long again. Tobias once told me that he liked me shorter hair, that it reminded him of a warrior’s hair. But I am no longer a warrior, if I ever had been. Tobias parks the truck near the Merciless Mart and opens the door for me, helping me out. At first I worried that he wouldn’t find me attractive after he saw me naked, my torso riddled with ugly scars from the bullets. But he kisses me all the same, as if the bullets are no more than another tattoo. He takes my hand and walks me to the platform where the group has already gathered. Christina stands with Zeke and Shauna, who sits with a wheelchair and a blanket over her lap.

            I pull Christina into a tight hug. I don’t see her as much as I would like to, with her living so far away. But she is my friend, and distance won’t change that.

            “I got something to show you,” Shauna says, pulling aside the blanket to reveal metal braces on her legs. She stands up, and I clasp my hand to my mouth. She smiles at my reaction. “Caleb made these for me. He says I may even be able to run someday.”

            I almost cringe at the sound of his name. Caleb and I are not enemies. I have since forgiven him for all that he has done, especially after he saved my life and took me to the infirmary after I was shot. But our relationship is still cool, there is still distance, and we maintain it. I don’t know if I can ever go back to the way things were before the Choosing Ceremony, but we are both alive and I suppose that’s what counts.

            “Where is Caleb?” Tobias asks. “Wasn’t he and Amar supposed to be here?”

            I frown up at him. He knew and he didn’t tell me?

            Tobias looks down at me apologetically. “It was supposed to be a surprise,” he says.

            I smile up at him and reach up to kiss him as the train pulls up. Cara hops out and tells us all to get on. Tobias helps me get in, before grabbing the handle and pulling himself in. “Have I told you I love watching you do that?” I ask teasingly.

            “You might have mentioned it,” he says as he bends down to kiss me.

            We hop off the train and start to walk through the streets to the zip line. There are still more Dauntless here than any other area. Old habits are hard to break, I suppose. I wonder what would have happened if I never met Tobias. Would I be living here as well?

            There aren’t too many people on the streets, as everyone is required to work if they are able. Luckily, with my injuries, I am allowed to be Tobias’ assistant and am not required to do much more. For the first time, I don’t mind that I’m not in the center of the action. Instead, I’m glad to be out of it.

            We enter the lobby and climb into the elevator, heading up to floor ninety-nine. I clutch Tobias’ hand and grin at him, remembering when we had climbed the ferris wheel together during my initiation. I don’t know if I’d physically be able to do that now, or if Four is still afraid of heights, but I don’t want to test it. I’m testing him enough today as it is.

            “Are you sure you can do this?” I ask. He just looks down at me with his deep gaze and holds my hand tighter. He’s more nervous than he’s letting on but he can do this. I know he can do this.

            I hang back with him, letting Christina race to the front of the line, hopping in belly-down. Zeke pushes her off, and then Shauna does the same thing. “Want me to go first?” I ask.

            “No,” Tobias shakes his head. “No, no, I’ll go.” Right before he’s about to get in, he spins around and kisses me hard on my mouth. “I love you,” he says. I giggle and help strap him into the zip line and take a step back as I watch him shoot through the air. His scream carries over the trees and I can’t help but giggle. I watch him fade into the distance, my hand over my heart.

            “Your turn,” Zeke says as he straps me in. I go belly-down, just like Christina, and watch as everything suddenly becomes a blur as I speed through the air. I try to scream, but the wind invades my mouth, and I need to squint my eyes against the wind. This is what I have been waiting for. The adrenaline rush that comes with being a Dauntless. Only I am not a Dauntless. I am not from Abnegation and I do not have Erudite smarts. Nor am I Divergent.

            As soon as Tori told me I was Divergent in a hushed whisper, I played it over and over in my head, as if that was supposed to unlock the secret of who I was. But now I see that I am no different than anyone else. The factions may have given us traits to act on, but they were never us. You cannot shape someone into a mold based on certain values. Everyone shapes their own mold, by the friends that they have, the people they trust, and the choices they make, both good and bad. I used to think that if I could only figure about what being Divergent meant than everything in my life would make sense. But being Divergent never altered the decisions I made. They all came from me.

            I stop moving and look down at the circle of arms below me. Down there are the smiling faces of Caleb and  Cara and Christina and Tobias. I let myself drop into the arms of my friends, of my family.

            Zeke slides down the zip line, shrieking all the way. “What do you say?” I ask Tobias after Zeke drops into our arms. “Want to go again?”

            Tobias looks at me, laughter alight in his eyes. “Absolutely not.”

\---

            We pile on the train and grab the handles, watching the city shrink beneath us. The sun is starting to set in the sky. I try to distinguish everything I see in factions before I remember that we no longer have factions. It’s a hard habit to break. Now I just know that we’re heading for home. I let my free hand grope for Tobias’ and he finds it, bringing it to his lips to kiss it. His eyes meet mine and it brings a smile to my face. We’ve been through so much together, for a while I honestly didn’t know if either of us would make it out alive. But we did, and now we have our whole lives to enjoy being together.

            Being brave never meant putting my life on the line to save everyone. Being brave never meant taking the punches in the training room. Being brave never meant joining Dauntless. Being brave is knowing that my choices are mine alone, that I can’t blame it on my faction or my genes or anything else. Being brave is going on, even after the horrible things I have done and all the friends that I have lost along the way. Being brave is knowing that I will mess up, that Tobias will mess up, but loving each other despite all our flaws. Tobias is with me, in the here and now, and every morning that I wake up next to him makes me realize just how important that is.

            I smile, watching his dark eyes glimmer in the fading light. “I love you, you know.”

            He smiles at me, the most honest, genuine smile that I have ever seen.

            _“I know.”_

FINIS

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all really enjoyed this story and that it gave you some closure after reading the author's version of the ending. The book's ending wasn't sad because Tris died, it was sad because everyone seemed to be acting out of character and it just didn't fit with the book, or even the theme of the book.Tris was supposed to learn to live with the guilt and learn how to move on, that that was the true sign of bravery, and that her Divergence did not affect who she really was. Her death completely negates that theme from the book. I understand that it's a war, and people we love die in wars, but Tris' death seemed to just undermine what the series was supposed to stand for. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed reading this story and got some much-needed closure! Cheers!


	9. Epilogue: Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've gotten so many people asking me to write another chapter for the story, so here you go. I actually have another chapter planned out after this one, so I might have a three-part epilogue. We'll see. Thanks for all the support and feedback guys, you're all awesome! <3

_SIX YEARS LATER_

**Tris**

            It hasn’t been as easy as I thought it would be. I don’t know why I ever thought it would be easy. Sometimes love isn’t enough, but sometimes it is. The war has stopped, but the fighting never stopped, at least not for me. It just took a different form. I suppose that it was always there, the stubbornness and the tension that kept pulling us apart. We were both different in many ways, but we were alike in all the worst ways. The stubbornness, the refusal to back down, our thick skin, they would be useful in any other situation, but not in this one.

            I think it started when I wanted to go back to work. At first I wanted to recover from my injuries and take a well-needed rest. At first Tobias was supportive of it. But then I started to get bored, as I should have known I would do. Being Tobias’ assistant was only fulfilling for so long, especially when our opinions started to differ. The people on the fringe were rebelling in more and more violent ways. Last week, a bomb had gone off in the farmland and killed some farmers who had been planting crops outside the Bureau. I know that the fighting is a long way from us, but it still keeps me awake at night, wondering if I’ll be sucked back into a war I want no part of. I barely made it out alive last time, how will I manage this time? I can’t hold a gun. I can’t fight for my life anymore. I think I’m just too tired.

            Tobias has gone into extreme overprotective mode, although I honestly blame Christina for that. Don’t get me wrong, Christina is still my best friend, but she started dating a patrolman that worked in the fringe. He was killed when a mob rushed the perimeter between the fringe and the Bureau. It was after that that she decided to live in a house close to us, on the border between Amity and Candor. At first I thought it would be great having her around, but she’s lost a lot of her youth and her fighting spirit. Sometimes I’ll wake at night and come out into the kitchen to find her and Tobias sitting around cups of coffee, discussing what can be done about the rebels in the fringe. I want the violence to stop but it will go on, I know, with or without me.

            Tobias still insists he’s Joanna’s assistant, but she’s getting older and Tobias is taking more and more of the leader role he says he never wanted. I understand why, but he’s proving to himself each and every day that he’s nothing like his father and I think that’s helping him get more comfortable. That, and he’s worried about me. I know he is. Ever since I almost died after releasing the memory serum, he’s been more vigilant about me, more concerned about where I go. That’s why after I told him I wanted to have a job, to do something useful, he insisted that I was too injured to go anywhere without him.

            We get into fights like that. Sometimes often, sometimes not. There are sometimes I just leave and sleep at Christina’s. There are nights when he will be out all night and not come home. I worry about him. He worries about me. I suppose it’s not the healthy thing to do and I know we each want to stop, we just don’t know how. But when the morning comes, the apologetic kiss is always there. We mean too much to each other to be apart for long. We are family, and if there is one thing that is encoded into each other is that family does not abandon each other. No matter how strong our opinions are, no matter how mad we get, love is always there to close the gap we form between us.

            I mull over these thoughts in front of the bench Tobias set up in front of the window, so I can sit in the morning and look over the river. It makes me think of the chasm in Dauntless headquarters, although I think of the Dauntless less and less. It is starting to become more and more obvious that there are no more factions, and I have stopped defining people by faction and more and more by the city that they are from. I suppose there is no difference, really.

            There is a faint knock on the door, and I sit up slowly, wincing at the pain in my neck. I still have difficulty moving sometimes from where the bullet went in. My back aches sometimes and my neck tends to become stiff if I sit in one position for too long. I feel as if I’m too old for my time, but at least I have time left.

            I pull open the door and Christina is standing there in blue jeans and a red shirt. It’s hard to erase the Candor out of her, but the new clothes everyone wears, the mix of color, is definitely helping. It’s so hard to picture her as Dauntless, the way I knew her during the initiation.

            “How are you today?” Christina asks, pulling me into a hug. She asks that question every time she sees me, as if I’m about to break into a thousand tiny glass pieces.

            “Fine,” I say, ignoring the kink in my neck. “How are things?”

            “Oh, you know,” Christina shrugs. “The usual.” Although I can tell by the look in her eye that she is not telling me something. Things really have changed.

            “Did Tobias tell you not to tell me?” I ask suspiciously. We have had this fight too many times, too.

            “He’s just concerned,” Christina sighs. “He just wants to keep you out of it. The fighting is really heating up and he just wants to keep you out of it.”

            I walk into the kitchen and plop down on a stool at the kitchen table. Christina walks over to the coffee machine and starts pouring herself a cup. I think she’s addicted to the stuff, but I see no harm in it, so I always leave a pot brewing when I know she’s coming over. “He needs to stop doing this,” I say. “Does he really think I’m going to go run off and join the fighting?”

            “You did once,” Christina points out. Right. The time I ran over to Erudite Headquarters to die. How can I forget.

            “Years ago,” I say. “I don’t want to fight. He knows that. I don’t even think I could lift a gun if I tried.”

            “He can’t either,” Christina says. I give her a look. “He tried a few weeks ago,” she says. “We went to the shooting range together. He fired a shot but completely missed the target by a few feet. Then he put it back down. He said after what happened to you he just couldn’t pick up another gun again, it just felt wrong.”

            I frown, picturing Christina and Tobias going to the shooting range together. He never told me about that. Why wasn’t I invited? Why didn’t he even tell me he was going?

            “I’m not trying to steal your man,” Christina says, sticking her tongue out at me. “He loves you, you know that.”

            “I do,” I say, but it lacks the conviction that it once held.

            “It’s the stress from all the fighting,” Christina sighs, looking out towards the window. “I saw you two together after everything at the Bureau. You guys were good for years while things were peaceful. Now things are heating up again-“ She casts a weary look in my direction. “You two just don’t work well under stress.”

            “That’s an understatement,” I murmur, pressing my hands against my sides out of habit. “I just worry about him. While he’s out there. He’s stopped talking to me about what he does with Joanna. I just wonder what kind of decisions he’s making. Will they hurt people? Will they hurt me? Is that why he won’t tell me?”

            Christina shifts, as if she’s uncomfortable. “They want to use the memory serum on the fringe. That’s where most of the backlash is. They think if they can quell the fighting there, that there will be peace for a few more years at least. I think it’s a temporary solution to a bigger problem, but I don’t think they want to hear my opinion.”

            “They?” I ask blankly. Does Tobias…?

            “No,” Christina says quickly, as if reading my thoughts. “I was Joanna’s idea. She talked Mark into it, and Evelyn is on board with it as well.” I shiver involuntarily. After everything that happened, Tobias made it clear that we were both going to have to get used to each other. We are civil to each other, but we haven’t quite warmed up to each other yet.

            “What about Tobias?”

            “Tobias,” Christina hesitates. “He’s trying to not have an opinion on it. Look, I told him to talk to you about it, but he doesn’t want to get you involved. He’s worrying you’ll go running into something that’s over your head if they won’t listen to you.”

            I cross my arms across my chest, almost offended that I have to learn this information second-hand. He really thinks that I would go running off and leave him again? How could he possibly think that?

            “Anyway,” Christina continues. “They want a full consensus in order to do that. Tobias still won’t say one way or the other. He’s told them that he wants to talk to you about it first, that it’s something you need to decide on together before he makes a decision.”

            I pause, contemplating what she’s said. “Then why hasn’t he asked me about it yet?”

            “Maybe he’s waiting for the right time,” she says. “Haven’t you been getting sick lately?”

            “Just a bit,” I shrug. “I think it’s something I’ve been eating.”

            “Oh yeah?” Christina sets her cup down and leans against the countertop. “What’s going on with you?”

            “Nothing,” I say. “Just a bit of nausea in the morning sometimes, that’s all.”

            “Oh?” Christina raises her eyebrows at me.

            “No,” I reply hotly.

            “No?”

            “No.”

            “You sure?”

            “Yes.”

            “You really sure.”

            I sigh. “No.”

            “Here.” She walks towards me and hands me something that looks almost like a pen with a clear cap. It looks almost like a thermometer. “You might want to take this.”

            I turn it over in my hands and realize what this is. “Christina-“

            “Just so you know for sure,” Christina says, throwing up her hands. “I think you should take it as soon as possible.”

            “Do you think I should wait for Tobias to get home?” I ask hesitantly.

            Christina shrugs but says nothing. I pause for a moment, turning it over my hands before I get to my feet. “I’ll be right back.”

 

            It’s fifteen minutes before I stumble out of the bathroom, clutching the test in my hand. Christina stands up, searching my face for any sign.

            “I’m pregnant.” I keep my voice as even as possible, waiting to see her reaction.

            Christina claps her hand to her mouth. “I knew it! I just knew it! Congratulations!” She rushes over to me and hugs me, a bit too tight for what I’m comfortable with but I let it slide. I know Zeke and Shauna already had a baby girl, but we haven’t seen them in months. Children with Tobias is something I wanted to think about when I was older. When the world was a peaceful place again, if it ever was. Can I really bring a child into this world when there is so much fighting and hatred?

            Christina seems to be reading my thoughts and takes a step back. “When are you going to tell Tobias.”

            “Tonight,” I say immediately. Then add, a bit testily, “At least I am honest with him about things.”

            “Don’t-“ Christina sighs. “Don’t blame him, please. He really _is_ worried about you. He wants to protect you. I know it comes out the wrong way sometimes, but he really does have good intentions at heart.”

            “Are you defending him?” I ask teasingly. Ever since she moved closer, her and Tobias have been spending more time together. I suppose it’s a good thing. With Zeke being a father, Tobias hasn’t lost his best friend, but he doesn’t see him as often as I would like him too. And with Christina still retaining her Candor qualities, she tells Tobias the blunt truth, whether he wants to hear it or not. I think he needs someone with that kind of blunt honesty to tell him things, someone who isn’t me.

            “Me? Defend Four?” Christina asks. “No, I think he can defend himself just fine.”

            We sit and talk for a while, trying to keep the subject matter clear of the fringe or the Bureau. Sometimes we’ll talk about the past, the Dauntless initiation and so on, but that topic of conversation never lasts long. There are too many faces that are no longer among us. There is too much pain locked into those memories to stay focused on them for too long.

            As the sun starts to set, Christina heads for home, knowing that Tobias is going to be back soon. I take a shower and dress in a light tee shirt and a pair of Tobias’ boxers, lying down of the bed. It’s the middle of summer, and it’s hotter than I would like it to be. My hair has grown out much longer than I’d like it to be, and Christina has promised me that she’ll cut it next Thursday.

            I’m gazing out the window, absorbed in my own thoughts, when I hear Tobias come home. I instantly shut my eyes and force myself to regulate my breathing, pretending to be asleep. I hear Tobias immediately enter the bathroom and listen to the run of the faucet. I can picture him over the sink, his shoulders hunched as he splashes water onto his face, as he so often does when he’s stressed.

            I roll over and sit up just as the water stops and he comes into the bedroom. He has cut his hair again, and he looks more like the Four I knew during my Dauntless initiation, strong and muscular. He lies down on the bed beside me and puts his hand on my cheek, pulling my face towards his. I brush his lower lip with mine, and he puts his arm around my waist as he pulls me closer and kisses me.

            I deepen the kiss for a moment, and he moves his hand from his cheek to my hair. “This is getting long,” he says, breaking the kiss.

            “Christina’s supposed to cut it next Thursday.”

            “Mmhmm.” He just runs his hands through my hair, letting my blonde strands catch the remaining light of the setting sun. He just repeats this motion for a while, running his hands through my hair. I wait for him to speak, but he says nothing.

            “So how are things?” I prompt.

            “Fine.”

            “Just fine?”

            “Yeah,” he says, but he can’t hide the crease that’s formed on his brow. I can’t tell if it’s because there’s some burden weighing on his mind or it’s because he knows that tonight I am feeling persistent.

            I sigh and roll over, taking in the warmth of him beside me on the bed. Do I pursue the line of questioning? It might make him get up and leave. I don’t want to be in a position where I have to force him to tell me everything, but I don’t want to let him keep me in the dark.

            “Christina told you, didn’t she?”

            I hear his long, drawn out sigh. “Candor blabber-mouth.”

            I sit up in bed, turning to face him. I don’t want to fight. We’re both so stubborn, constantly trying to protect the other. Why can’t we just realize that we work better as a team? “It’s okay,” I say quietly. “You can tell me when you’re ready.”

            He looks at me, as if seeing me for the first time. Is this really the first time I’ve taken the high road instead of persisting that he answer me and then berating him for not telling me sooner? If that’s really the cause of all of our fights, maybe we just need to find a better way to communicate. Hopefully this is it.

            “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” he says. “I just didn’t want to get you involved. I mean, I just don’t want you running out to the fringe trying to save everyone. You’re my family now, Tris, and I need to protect you. I almost lost you once, and I will do anything, anything to make sure that doesn’t happen again.”

            “Including robbing a few hundred people of their memories?” I ask.

            He gets off the bed and paces the room, running a hand through his hair. I sit back quietly, waiting for him to tell me. If he won’t, will I pursue it? That question rages in my mind for some time until he decides to speak.

            “Yes, no, I don’t know. I want to protect you. I want to protect us. But I don’t know if this is really the answer. People will forget why they’re angry, but then they’ll look at the conditions they’re living in and get angry all over again. I just don’t think we can stop it, the war I mean. I think it was just a part of our lives all along and we never realized it. I don’t want to live in a world like that, Tris, where there is constant war. Constant fighting. Always a reason to be afraid of one thing or another. I just don’t know how to do it.” He shakes his head. “Sometimes I wish we could go back to the factions. Everything was more peaceful then, at least it seemed that way. I mean, we didn’t know the half of what was going on, but I guess sometimes it’s better not knowing than knowing.”

            “I don’t think so,” I say. “At least if we know we can do something about it.”

            “I don’t think it’s really our fight anymore,” Tobias says, sitting down. “I don’t think I want to be a politician anymore. It’s just, not something I feel like I’m cut out to be. I can’t make these kinds of decisions. In the back of my mind, I’m always thinking about you.”

            “About me?” I ask.

            “I try to think of how it will affect you,” he says. “Will this decision protect you? Keep you safe? Keep us safe? And I also think about what you would say. What you would do. You’re so much smarter than me, Tris. You always know who to trust. You know how to stand up for your opinion, even if no one else thinks it’s the right thing to do. I wish I could be more like you, Tris.”

            I blush in the fading light, unsure of what to say. “I just wish you would tell me things.”

            “I know,” Tobias says as he closes his eyes. “I know, I know I should. I just…it always seems to cause fights between us. I don’t want to fight with you, Tris. Every time you run out that door it makes me-“ He swallows hard. “It makes me scared you’re not ever going to come back.”

            My hand finds his and holds it tightly. “I’m sorry,” I say quietly, and I mean it. “I’m not going to apologize for having my own opinion or disagreeing with you, but I’m sorry for raising my voice and yelling at you and storming out when I should be here talking things out with you like I am now.”

            “I guess it’s just something we need to work on,” Tobias says, flashing me a small grin. I grin back, kissing him softly. “I saw Christina on the way back from work,” he says suddenly. “She said you wanted to tell me something?”

            “Oh,” I hesitate, staring down at our intertwined fingers. “Tobias, I-I-I’m pregnant.”

            Tobias springs away from me, jumping to his feet. “Pregnant? How long have you known?”

            “Just today,” I say quickly, getting defensive. “I’m not keeping anything from you, Tobias.”

            Tobias hesitates, nodding quickly before sitting back down on the bed. I reach for his hand and take it hesitantly. “I don’t know what to do,” he says quietly.

            “Well, there’s nothing we need to do for a few months,” I joke.

            “Not-“ He hesitated. “I want to keep you safe. I _need_ to keep you safe. And now that you’re pregnant, now that we’re going to be starting a family, everything is riskier. Now it’s just that much more important to keep you out of harm’s way.”

            “You don’t have to worry about keeping me safe, Tobias,” I say. “I’m strong. I can take care of myself.”

            “I know you can,” Tobias says. “It’s just that the one time I left you alone, you almost didn’t make it.”

            “I know,” I say quietly. I know Tobias has never quite gotten over the fact that he almost lost me. I don’t know how it would have been if our positions had been reversed, but I don’t think it would have changed much. “You’ll keep us safe,” I say, brushing his cheek with my fingertips. “I know you will.”

            “I love you,” he says, pulling me in for a kiss.

            “I love you too,” I say back, deepening the kiss.

            This is us. No matter what has happened between us, no matter what fights or disagreements we have, we will always put loving each other before anything else. Always. 


End file.
